I’ve spent the last nearly three years pretty much knowing what came next after each season; which has typically lasted for a year or so.
I didn’t tend to know during each season what would be next – generally that old saying “the God of the 11th hour” has been my testimony – I know it doesn’t need to be so. God is simply God. He needs no limitations.
2013-2014 Church 1 – Gap year programme (post University, post employment) after a challenge of “Serve me because you want to, not because you have no other choice”
2014-2015 Church 2- more a church owned Project – Internship working as a Support Worker with the homeless
2015 – 2016 Discipleship Training School (DTS) with Youth With a Mission (YWAM).
2016 Secondary Level School with Youth with a Mission (YWAM).
With my Secondary School, I felt like I asked God and it was my choice. I made the choice to go and I was challenged with some basic stuff about who I am as a child of God and Jesus’ mission to do the will of His father. I was confronted with my selfishness and it hurt. There are days I find joy in the truth that I learnt and there are days that quite honestly the truth hurts. I know however the heart of my good, good father is not to hurt me but to convict me to change.
And I digress, as is my way. I feel like, this is a new season as I prepare to enter 2017 to make decisions. Yet and still, I prayed before I left my last season and felt the Lord give me a city to go to. I now have no money. But I have testimonies of his provision time and again. I know he can – but do I really believe he will do it again? Is he in this city or was it my subconscious and some rand curiosity and not the Lord?
I’m confused. I’m trying to be satisfied, I’m trying to hear him. I ask a question and I feel like a get 5 different responses each time I ask. Which one is you Lord? – is this the working title of a book? (joke – a play on a YWAM title).
I pushed one door and no money came to push further. I don’t even feel like I really got to push and take a peek – it was more like a knock. How do I continue to weigh this? And another opportunity has come my way, it’s close to the city but not the actually location – it could be a temporary repositioning but do I believe for a ll the way?
I know from all that I have experienced in the past years that God loves and honours steps of faith – but I’m genuinely confused as to what that should look like. I must admit so far I don’t think I have taken many risks.
I feel like I need to get there to really know. But how do I get there?
And how do you learn how to consider the cost while also taking what can seem like reckless steps of faith? Both of which are required as a part of our walk
Why after experiencing so much of God do I feel like I’m flailing in the water?
I just wanted to show you that we can experience God and still be confused…
This is my reality.
Confused yet wanting to live satisfied.
I know that my soul will be satisfied.
And so I wait.