Clarity needed.

I’ve spent the last nearly three years pretty much knowing  what came next after each season; which has typically lasted for a year or so.

I didn’t tend to know during each season what would be next – generally that old saying “the God of the 11th hour” has been my testimony – I know it doesn’t need to be so. God is simply God. He needs no limitations.

2013-2014 Church 1 – Gap year programme (post University, post employment) after a challenge of “Serve me because you want to, not because you have no other choice”

2014-2015 Church 2- more a church owned Project – Internship working as a Support Worker with the homeless

2015 – 2016 Discipleship Training School (DTS) with Youth With a Mission (YWAM).

2016 Secondary Level School with Youth with a Mission (YWAM).

With my Secondary School, I felt like I asked God and it was my choice. I made the choice to go and I was challenged with some basic stuff about who I am as a child of God and Jesus’ mission to do the will of His father. I was confronted with my selfishness and it hurt. There are days I find joy in the truth that I learnt and there are days that quite honestly the truth hurts. I know however the heart of my good, good father is not to hurt me but to convict me to change.

And I digress, as is my way. I feel like, this is a new season as I prepare to enter 2017 to make decisions. Yet and still, I prayed before I left my last season and felt the Lord give me a city to go to. I now have no money. But I have testimonies of his provision time and again. I know he can – but do I really believe he will do it again? Is he in this city or was it my subconscious and some rand curiosity and not the Lord?

I’m confused. I’m trying to be satisfied, I’m trying to hear him. I ask a question and I feel like a get 5 different responses each time I ask. Which one is you Lord? – is this the working title of a book? (joke – a play on a YWAM title).

I pushed one door and no money came to push further. I don’t even feel like I really got to push and take a peek – it was more like a knock. How do I continue to weigh this? And another opportunity has come my way, it’s close to the city but not the actually location – it could be a temporary repositioning but do I believe for a ll the way?

I know from all that I have experienced in the past years that God loves and honours steps of faith – but I’m genuinely confused as to what that should look like. I must admit so far I don’t think I have taken many risks.

I feel like I need to get there to really know. But how do I get there?

And how do you learn how to consider the cost while also taking what can seem like reckless steps of faith? Both of which are required as a part of our walk

Why after experiencing so much of God do I feel like I’m flailing in the water?

I just wanted to show you that we can experience God and still be confused…

This is my reality.

Confused yet wanting to live satisfied.

I know that my soul will be satisfied.

And so I wait.






8 thoughts on “Clarity needed.

  1. Hey! I’m doing good thanks! Ahh that’s amazing to hear that you’re staffing! I did Kerusso:school of the Kingdom in YWAM Herrnhut, Germany – it’s a tiny town in East Germany. It was really great. I thought about staffing but God made it clear I needed to come back to England for a while. This is proving to be a journey but I know it’s gonna be good though. How are you doing?


  2. What is Kerusso: School of the Kingdom? What do you think is next for you? I’m doing quite well. I officially start on Monday & then also hope to staff DTSs & Schools of Worship after I do one. 🙂


    1. So it’s a school focusing on what it means to be a part of his kingdom. We look at Jesus as king and our identity as kings and queens. For the next few years I’ll be in England living out mission as a lifestyle hopefully. I’m still working out the finer details. I thought I would staff overseas but God had other plans and I’m learning to enjoy each day but its hard cause I like to have things planned. Oh that sounds so exciting. So you’ll staff for a while and the do an SOW?


      1. Oh that’s pretty cool! That’s awesome. He’ll reveal to you exactly where He wants you. 🙂 It’s hard sometimes when He calls you to something you don’t want to do. I’ll hopefully staff a Music & Creative Arts DTS in October then be on base staff until the next SOW which is next March. So I’ll do that SOW then hopefully staff another DTS after then staff the following SOW and maybe stay longer. We’ll see. My committment is two years but I have a feeling I will be here longer. I’m in the worship department & my base has been trying to build a strong worship aspect that is long term so yeah. 🙂


      2. Thanks yeah. To quote Steffany Gretzinger “He’s been good a long time – He knows what he’s doing”. Nice! This all sounds really exciting. I’m sure it will be great fun walking alongside people it’s always a journey. I know people staffing my schools have said learned new things and gained fresh perspective every time. I have a real heart for worship. I hope to be mentored in this in my next season. This is definitely a season of transition for me so its just kinda hanging out and waiting for guidance. There are some open doors but I’m still knocking. Just making sure its for me. So happy that you have clear direction! I’m sure this will be a great next season for you. What’s keeping you busy in the mean time?


  3. Love that song. 🙂 yeah, the growth doesn’t stop after DTS! I’ve been learning so much even in the in between time and this first week of staffing. That’s awesome! Seek Him wholeheartedly & He’ll show ya. 🙂 Right now I do administration at the base and serve in worship.


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