What others see…

At 24, I genuinely wish that I cared less about what others thought of me.

At 24 I hope and think that I care less than I did at 16 or 18 but I still care.

I am sure you’re confused. Walk with me.

I spend a lot of time freaking out mainly internally (or externally when I feel no one is around to listen) – yes I talk to myself. Anyway, I digress. I freak out about the things I do or say.

For example, when I worship I tend to be loud. And at times I become aware of it but, at times I kinda just can’t help myself. I am a loud person and if I get angry or excited – I lose all concepts of ‘inside voice’ and volume control. I am in some ways like a child. It’s ok I said it – maybe I;ll get some freedom cause i’ve admitted it.

Again, I digress. Track with me, sorry. So – I get loud in worship and I hope that no one thinks I am trying to out do anyone or whatever and sometimes I have pray to get myself back into a place of worship rather than a place of caring what others think.

And when I really get into it I sing loud and pray loud in tongues cause I just wanna communicate with my Jesus and when I get happy or emotional – yeah you’re tracking with me – I get loud.

I don’t always notice but then a friend will say, “Viv, I heard you in the corner praying in tongues” and then I’ll be all Oh no! Was it that loud? Was it too much? Invasive? Offensive? and when it comes to loud tongues I get real real nervous and think – oh but this is just between me and Jesus I didn’t want anyone to interpret it – oh have I been disorderly in being loud?

So I freak out.

Stay with me it gets better. This isn’t just a random confession.

I have recently come to the end of an Internship I was doing this year. If you read my previous posts you will know that I spent the last 12 months working as a homeless Support Worker for a Christian Charity. It was a church based project and I loved it. I have been truly blessed being here this year. And to send me off I was given a ‘Thank You’ book and in this book. The way I worship has been mentioned several times over and I have been encouraged in the way that people have said that my freedom and expression in worship has been freeing for them.

One lady in person when they were encouraging me at our last team meeting even specifically mentioned how my praying in tongues and the volume of it encourages her to pray in tongues! Isn’t God ridiculously kind to us?

The very thing I was discouraged about, he saw to it that I was to be encouraged in it! He truly amazes me. The things we don’t even take to him in prayer is on his agenda.

He cares! And I love him.

Be encouraged friends. Be free to be who you are and don’t care about the opinions of others. If you’re offering up a true and pure worship God sees it and he loves it and he receives it and rejoices in it!

P.S – Please don’t get me wrong, I love worship and this example is not a daily occurrence but it does happen at times. But now I know that I needn’t let it bother me!

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