The struggle.

So I had a major experience of being delivered from fear a few months ago. I felt a tangible loss of something within me after I received prayer. It was genuinely epic; and I don’t think I can say that I have ever experienced that before.

Since then, I have been asked what I will replace that with or, more accurately, what I will allow God to replace that fear with.  I still haven’t really been able to answer that question. I would love to say courage but, I really don’t know if I am there yet.

It has taken me several weeks to stay committed to publishing a blog that I drafted a while ago to share the full story of how I believe God spoke to me about my next journey of going to Germany to do a DTS and join the YWAM family.

I have been going backwards and forwards about how I expect God to provide for me. Don’t get me wrong I am in no doubt that He will provide the money that I need to get to Germany. None whatsoever – but I also don’t necessarily believe that God’s provision must be miraculous in the sense that it comes from nowhere. But how do I get there?

I have ummed and ahhed about setting up a crowd fundraising site – in fact I set it up and then deleted it. Then I wanted to send a support letter but because I couldn’t necessarily send it in the way I had in mind I became discouraged. So I did nothing. Some of this has been genuine fatigue but a lot of it has been plain old fear.

I kept talking about my uncertainty. But my discipler told me story about enjoying the journey. And then a colleague did a talk on rest where she highlighted our position in God. And then, I listened to a talk (by Kim Walker-Smith) on fear and she said something about God giving us freewill as a weapon we can choose how we look at our circumstances – I can choose to focus on God. God is good. Whether people choose to respond to my email or not. I am the beloved of God and that does not change who I am or who He is.

If I choose to send an email or two. I can choose to step out and not let fear of man or only relying on God which seems super spiritual but is simply masked self-reliance be a barrier to me enjoying the ride that God has me on. God asking us to have faith means that we have to choose to rely on Him – which may play out differently to the movie we created in our minds. For me, sending these emails allows me to see what God does. I may or may not see His provision through those that receive my email. But right now. Stressing about an unknown outcome is me choosing to allow fear to win.

I am not saying I wasn’t delivered – cause believe you me – I was it was real and tangible – what I am saying is that I forgot that after that point everyday I need to make a choice to focus on God and to choose who I am going to let dictate my future.

Yesterday, I sent one email I was too scared for some time to send. And hopefully by tomorrow I will send the rest!

This is me choosing to allow God to replace the fear he took away with courage. I am excited to see you do more in me Lord!


3 thoughts on “The struggle.

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